New Possibilities After a Diagnosis of Erectile Dysfunction

When I met Peter, he, like many older men, was struggling to embrace a new sexual identity. He had been referred to me by a sexuality therapist who felt that he needed a direct, interactive, hands-on approach to assist him in his quest to create an initiation into this new sexual identity.

Peter was in his sixties, a twice-divorced veteran recovering from a brain injury that had left him clinically diagnosed as impotent. Over the decade prior to his injury, his erections had become infrequent, and when he did have them they lacked the gusto of those of his twenties and thirties. After a cerebral hemorrhage in 2011, his erections ceased altogether. In spite of this, he remained optimistic that it was possible to recreate what sex was and could be for him. He was ready to empower his sexuality, rather than to see himself as diminished or victimized by circumstance. Inspiringly, he viewed his situation as an opportunity to create a sexual renaissance for himself  – a new golden age as he entered his golden years.

He confessed to me that, over the course of his life, he had never truly enjoyed sex. To some extent, he had seen it as a responsibility or a duty, one more thing he had to perform or achieve in a certain way to prove himself. As a result of this pressure, sex had been unsatisfying and he was uncertain whether he had ever been fully present for it. Sex had been angry and rage-filled at times. A military veteran, he held close the experience of war in his body and suffered from emotional, physical and spiritual numbness and PTSD for decades. Peter mentioned that anger felt like the only emotion he had been truly in touch with until his brain hemorrhage in 2011.

“Early trauma and war left me angry all the time. Anger was safe. I knew anger. It was almost a friend,” he told me. “But when I had my brain bleed, my entire life changed. Something shifted for me in my brain chemistry that affected my emotional body. I was able to access the places of emotion I used to have as a boy before trauma set in. Places of freedom, joy, wonder, curiosity, happiness.”

As he spoke, the excited young boy who had been lost since his early youth began to emerge, playful, curious and ready to engage.

From a place inside of him that had seen too much war and trauma, he told me: “Part of me for years was ‘Missing in Action’. I believe this brain injury has actually brought me into a state of grace. It gave me access to parts of myself and a wholeness that before was completely inaccessible. The brain injury also left me without access to the direct flow of energy to my genitals that make erections possible.”

“What a gift,” I said. “It looks like you’ll have the opportunity to expand your pleasure to your entire body. Most people never make it that far and their pleasure often stays trapped only in their genitals.”

His eyes twinkled.

“That’s why I’m here,” he said with a big smile.

“How do you want to feel in your sexual expressions, play and experiences?” I asked him.

“Free, connected, expressed … present. Like I don’t have to work. I want to play,” Peter told me sincerely.

Peter’s brain bleed had also apparently bled right out the angry warrior energy that had previously filled him. I suspected that this inner warrior had finally gotten so angry he just exploded, perhaps on an actual physical level causing the bleed itself. This was a classic opportunity for a shamanic reset in the system – an injury, ailment or illness that becomes an ally and offers us medicine that we need on in the deepest levels of our being.

I escorted Peter over to my floor palette futon and we began with a simple sitting meditation, noticing where sensation was present in our bodies and speaking out loud the sensations we were experiencing. Next we checked in with our body’s desires and made requests to each other on how our bodies would like to be touched in a non-genital focused way for one-minute increments. The body’s desires are always changing so the minute-long increments gave a contained space to explore both immediate and changing desires. Because the genital focus in our interaction was off the table to create a new form of sensual relating, it opened up a world of new possibilities for touch, intimacy and sexual self-expression.

Each of us took turns making requests and unfolding the true desires of the body now that direct genital contact wasn’t hogging the primary focus. The body revealed all of these beautiful subtleties and we had the opportunity to explore not just where we would like to be touched, but how, what pressure, what quality of touch – like feathers, kneading, delicate fingernails, squeezing massage, deep or right on the surface.

We then explored the intention of how we desired to be touched – with love, with curiosity, with tenderness, with passion, with pure carnal desire.

This progressed to a gentle, “as if” role-playing game: touch me as if you were a mother cradling her newborn; touch me as if you were molding my body out of clay; touch me as if this was the first woman’s body you had ever seen; touch me as if the burning desire of the whole universe resided in your fingertips. Each ‘as if’ experience created a new and profound opening for both of us.

Next we stood up and disrobed in front of each other. I went first and asked Peter to simply be present and hold space for me while I did. I took off one piece of clothing at a time and we paused to breathe in between each one to notice what sensations we were feeling in our bodies and to speak on them. Then I invited him to disrobe as well. We stood and breathed. I then spoke what I observed about the story of his body in that moment, where my eyes were drawn to see and what they saw. Silver hair, warm twinkling eyes, hands that had held guns and babies, a stray hair here, a special freckle there, a long lean body trained both as an athlete and a warrior.  I asked him to mirror back to me what he saw, where his eyes were drawn to my body so that we could fully take each other in. Long brown hair, softness, rosy cheeks, large nipples, femininity. He did a beautiful job recounting what he saw. I received a new perspective for myself on being witnessed through his eyes.

We took turns now in longer increments sharing touch, only this time we focused on how we desired to touch each other. We asked permission with each touch and there was space to say no if it didn’t feel in alignment for us. We rolled around and played and laughed together for several hours as we explored how desire and sexual energy wanted to move through us.

As our sacred space came to a close, Peter confessed to me: “This is the most present I have ever truly been with a woman. I can actually feel the desire in my body and it can be expressed without the pressure to perform. I can’t recall ever feeling this free before. So much has just become possible.”

When the effort to move past scripts and ingrained patterns of touch and relating was presented, a new form of relating that is based on presence and authenticity has permission to unfold in the space shared between bodies. Our bodies are always changing and transforming and so are our desires and how they want to express themselves. When we work with the body’s true desire, we can be present to the possibility of expanding the pleasure palette within the body and its capacity for sensual self-expression.

Peter told me he is ready to actively pursue dating with renewed gusto and to explore the possibility of physical intimacy based on the new possibilities in sexual self-expression available to him. He is also complementing our experience with Western medicine, exploring possibilities for assisting his erections but also freeing himself from the imprisoning mind-set that erection with ejaculatory orgasm is the apex of sexual experience. There is a wide scope of supportive allopathic ways to just about guarantee an erection. What they can’t guarantee is any happiness from it. With Western medicine and the explorations into the possibilities of returning full erectile function, Peter now has a new space to play in – a penis that can maintain an erection with a template for presence and authentic connection.

The path of self-discovery Peter is on is one of enthusiasm and wonder rather than a quest to fix a part of himself that might be considered broken. Peter knows he can have new and deeply fulfilling sensual and sexual experiences and now erections can become a part of that experience with the support of western medicine and compassionate and caring health professionals. It was his commitment to creating a template to break scripts and old ways of being and to move into his authenticity that allowed for this to unfold. Peter wrote me a few weeks ago saying that he is having a marvelous time exploring penis pumps, injections and supplements to increase his erectile possibilities. He reports that they work and that every part of this journey continues to be a learning experience. He’s excited to explore all of these possibilities with his next partner from a place of presence and authentic connection when the right relationship comes along.

I wish for him presence, play, powerful penis pumps and new possibilities for relating as he steps confidently into this new identity of sexual self-expression!

Here is a closing piece of advice and comment from Peter:

Something I believe in so strongly is the act of getting support. Getting support from caring and loving sources. It is remarkable just how lonely and debilitating it is, processing the realities of impotence. What men need to know and understand is what I learned and frankly am still learning – unless you want to remain stuck in the world of feeling badly about yourself, you MUST reach out and trust. Men who are already in a loving relationship with a caring partner have in this regard a great advantage. Presumably that partner will be there for them and process with them the oftentimes painful truths that impotence brings to light. It is men such as me not in any such loving relationship who need to be reminded of this. Men who find themselves twisting slowly in the breezes, with not a clue, and nowhere immediately to turn. It is these men who need great comfort, and these men who need to know that the worst thing that they can do is to do nothing.  It is never easy and never over.

To those men reading this who might be embarking on a journey like mine, I’d like to say that there are no magical endings. There is much experimenting, much unknown to be explored, many turns along the way that will not be fulfilling. At its essence comes the willingness to commit to the process of healing and becoming whole.

 

 

New York Encounter Part Deux: MalloMars to Venus

New York Encounter Part Deux: MalloMars to Venus

It’s Sunday evening around 8pm and I am walking home from parking my car on the west side. I have a bag of groceries in one arm, a score from the an out of town trip with my theatre company. I’m an opportunist when the option arises to stock up on suburbia goodies for $20 when the same bag of groceries will cost you $55 in New York City. My husband’s favorite cookie Mallomars were on 2 for $5 which retail for $8 at the arm and a leg gourmet grocery around the corner. I felt victorious on my saunter home with my dirt cheap booty tucked under one arm. As I was strolling crosstown, a gruff sounding “Excuse me!” erupted from behind. Everyone’s in a hurry in this city. I moved to the side to let Mr. Bad-Attitude pass. A rotund black man with a 6” long beard who was missing his front tooth brushed passed me in linebacker fashion. We locked eyes. His stormy gate suddenly turned to slow motion.

“What’s your name?” he said to me, switching gears quickly from get-the-fuck-out-of-my- way to I’ve-got-plenty-of-time-for-you-babe.

“What’s yours?” I bounced back at him.

“Ishmael,” he said a bit lasciviously, looking me up and down again.

“I’m Isis,” I responded.

“Are you spoken for?”

“Very,” I quickly replied.

“He better hold onto you tight.”

I smiled. Ishmael continued “I’m just returning to dating. My sister is encouraging me to get out there.” Just then, his hardened player face cracked and I saw a wash of sadness sweep over him. His voice quivered for a moment. “My wife, I lost my wife.”

We both stopped in our tracks.

“I’m so very, very sorry to hear that Ishmael. What happened?”

“My wife died of breast cancer a year ago,” Ishmael’s gruff voice softened almost to a whisper. Tears pooledon his lower eyelids. “My sister tells me its time for me to start dating again. I’m… it’s so hard”

We stood silent for a few beats.  The sounds of New York City muted into the background and somehow I could hear only the sound of our breath. Two strangers simply being with each other in a deeply vulnerable and intimate moment.

“Ishamel, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know this must be very hard for you. You will never replace your wife. But you will absolutely find love again.”

“My wife was so special Isis.”

“I know she was Ishmael. And she would absolutely want you to love again and she absolutely wants you to be happy.”

A soft smile cracked through the dark clouds on his face.

“I think she would want that, yes,” spoke Ishmael.

We stared at each other another moment.

“Thank you,” Ishmael bowed his head for a moment and then walked away.

I shifted my armful of groceries to the other arm and continued my walk home, a little slower, more present and filled with the gratitude of small miracles –  more love just opened on the planet… and Mallomars were 2 for $5.

The Warrior’s Bond – Intimacy in Battle

Kissing – painting by Alex Grey

A friend and colleague Lloyd writes in:

I want to see a return to the adoration of the Earth Mother, but I also think our day is unique in that men and women have never been able to work together, shoulder to shoulder, like this before. The differences in strength, size and temperament matter less now. Traditional roles and stereotypes are no longer appropriate. I think finding sexual synergy and combining our energies in ways that don’t just complement each other but enhance our combined powers is vital.

 

Forgive the reversion to my scientist personality, but I’ve been thinking a lot about bonding lately. We know something of the role of oxytocin in creating emotional bonding when lovers couple and when mothers suckle their infants. But something like that also occurs between soldiers who have been to battle together. I can assure you we do not (usually) couple or suckle. But a strong bond is formed and I’m not sure what the mechanism is. For men there is a clear line between sexual and non sexual bonding that I think is less defined between women. But what happens when women and men bond in the way warriors bond? Will it work without the sexual bonding pushing it aside or conflicting in some way? Sex tends to get in the way rather than empower. If you have any insight, I’d love to hear it.

 

With much affection,

Lloyd

Dear Lloyd,

Always a joy to hear from you.  Here are a few things that come to mind….

Because the emotional chakra and the sexual chakra are hence the same chakra our ‘feeling center’ or center of clarisentience – ‘clear feeling’ or in some cases ‘not so clear feeling’ (seems to me things can get pretty mucked up in this area with all the conditions, restrictions and limitations we put on ourselves), I’m not surprised that when strong emotional experiences unfold between two people, sexual experiences generally follow.

In any sort of deeply impacting or traumatizing situation this of course includes war, it is natural to feel close to another human being who has shared the same experience.   The experience of trauma and tragedy, particularly in war, in many ways dissolves boundaries and barriers both internal and external between you and another human being.  We catch, in moments of catastrophe, holy witnesses and glimpses of “God” in each other.  These moments forever bond individuals.

I am reminded of two Korean men I met at King Spa in New Jersey last month. I was sitting in the ice room with a few of my girlfriends who had joined me for a spa trip.  These men probably in their mid seventies sat across from each other in silence.  Eventually I engaged one of the men in conversation and he was more than happy to speak about his love for the bathhouse and his relationship to his friend who was sitting next to him who he fought with on the American side of the Korean war.  They made special trips to see each other each year leaving their spouses at home, year after year.  They were silent in the bathhouse, very little communication passing between them, but I could feel their bond was sacred.  It was something they needed to do for themselves to honor what had transpired in their time together.

As far as men and women, now, assuming we are looking through a heterosexual lens, I think that because the emotional stakes of war initiations create such deep grooves in ones emotional energetic system, it is natural to bond to those who share the same experience and perhaps even creates an intimacy that one would not experience otherwise between two people.  In my practice of teachings sacred sexuality, I have the privilege and the responsibility of seeing the most intimate aspects of individuals on a daily basis.  The way I keep myself clear and contained is to create sacred space and to release any energetic hooking or cording that has transpired between myself and my clients and colleagues at the end of our time together.  This keeps me grounded, the space of intimacy specific and out of a cycle of projection and energetic loose ends.

That said, there have been on a handful of occasions a person or energy that we were not able to let go of the sacred space together and that involved a mutual desire to continue exploring the relationship.  These occasions were rare and developed into wonderful consensual friendships and relationships as the communication was clear between us about wanting to continue to explore each others energies and feelings.  My question to you is, in the event of a powerful initiation that brings a warrior closer to another warrior, it is useful to ask oneself, is this someone who I truly desire to be in relationship with, if so what is the best form of the relationship?  Is this someone I journey to see once a year, the love of my life, a pen pal, or someone who I hold in thought when I remember my fallen brothers and sisters and give a silent prayer of thank you he/she is still alive and well today.

You spoke of sex ‘getting in the way’ in these relationships.  Here’s where I would split your attention.  Sex can indeed get in the way if it is not in the highest good for the nature of the relationship to become sexual or if we have previous agreements that we would be breaking in our lives or our potential sexual partners lives by becoming sexual.

But what if it was in the highest good?  And our agreements, feelings and sexual turn-on were all sympatico with our prospective partners, then sexuality could in fact further and deepen a bond between two people that have been desiring to feel and experience each other.  I find when I am feeling sexual towards someone, it is best to speak about it openly and transparently so that we are both on the same page.  At that point we can create a container for the sexuality, even if the container is simply the response of ‘Thank you for saying that.  I am not available to explore a sexual relationship with you.’  This at a minimum brings clarity, directness and simplicity to what could potential be a ‘complicated’ situation.

Thank you for bringing this amazing inquiry!

Lunar Dominant Masculine Sexuality

Lunar Dominant Masculine Sexuality – A Case Study

My practice is like a nature walk – on each encounter with a new client, we take a journey, never quite knowing where we’re going or what we’ll discover along the way.  We trust in our full surrender to universal guidance and divine transmission that we will be lead in the right direction in a state of grace.  This week held a particularly inspiring journey that I felt called to share.

A new journey began this week as I met with first time client, Gabe.  Gabe is a handsome massage therapist and yoga practitioner in his mid thirties.  He is tall with a beautiful body and a gentle spirit. Gabe contacted me specifically around his interest in Shamanism and also hinted that he felt he had blocks in his system particularly around sexuality.  Many of his questions and contemplations around relationships and sexuality were deeply thought out and held profound insights that had come from true introspection on his part.  Gabe had recently broken up from his relationship of two years with his live-in girlfriend and contacted me with the impression he was blocked or stuck around his sexuality.  When I inquired further, he said it took him time to find a connection or feel a connection in sex.

Gabe explained to me in the past, his girlfriend would often desire sex or initiate sex, which generally resulted in Gabe doing his best to please her, but ultimately leaving the experience one-sided and on his part void of intimacy or true connection.  Gabe found these interactions difficult and found himself challenged in his ability to stay present for sex or to generate the connection that both he and his girlfriend desired to experience.  He expressed that he needed time to feel or generate an authentic connection for this desire to awaken and for him to become aroused.  He found it difficult to connect on command.

Gabe expressed to me there were times when his girlfriend or a girl he was dating would reach out and grab at his chest or crotch which instead of turning him on, resulted in him feeling objectified and shutting down.  He had trouble getting or maintaining an erection during intercourse and often defaulted to oral sex as a way to pleasure his partner without having to make himself perform.  This pleasuring while sometimes enjoyable for him, mostly got his girlfriend over until the next time she initiated sexual contact.

I asked Gabe to tell me about the times he did feel connected to his girlfriend or other women he had dated in the past. Successful sexual moments he did site were having sex right after a yoga class, making love after giving his girl friend a massage, passionate encounters unfolding when meditating with his beloved.   “I want the women I date to be attracted to what’s inside me,” Gabe confided.

In an energy assessment, I could see that Gabe’s soul body was deeply interwoven into the sexual desire within his physical body.  Based on what I perceived, I was not surprised that Gabe could not find himself aroused from outward sexual suggestiveness or isolated sexual acts.  His soul body desired to be witnessed with the power of deep presence before his sexuality would awaken.  Sexual Shaman Kenneth Ray Stubbs talks in depth about the distinction of the four energy bodies and their ability to orgasm in documentary Path of the Sexual Shaman.  The circuitry for Gabe’s sexual turn on in his physical body was located within his soul. Uninspired by the common form of masculine arousal coming from sight based desire, Gabe’s erotic connection needed to ignite from the inside out, not from the outside in.

We began with a clearing where we burned Artemsia – a powerful herb, which helps anchor the soul body into the physical body, bringing it into deep presence and connection within oneself.  We then did a simple meditation where we began with bringing our awareness to the outer most layer of the skin and working our way in to find the inner most and truest layer of self where our divine essence exists.  This inner most layer is always available to us but is often one that we forget to access as we default to more surface based way of connecting.  During our meditation, when we both journeyed to this inner place, tears welled up in our eyes and an erection in Gabe’s shorts.  “The connection is incredible.  I’m so open and turned on.  I feel like I’m flying and I also feel so nervous and vulnerable.”  Gabe’s soul body was luminous and powerful and in its presence and awakening, his physical body went into full force arousal.

We then explored various degrees of openness within his soul body so as not to overwhelm his system.  We explored fully open, opened at half-mast, and being completely contained and wearing our opening behind a veil, knowing we need only part the curtain to find it again.

I asked Gabe to drop into his soul body connection and ask to be shown a symbol for this connection within him that he could use to access this space at will.  After a second he laughed and opened his eyes.  “What did you see?” I asked.  “A white circle..?”  He said confused.  Duh!  I thought – The image of the full moon.  It was indeed the night of the full moon where our energies were at their peak and lunar energy was fully present on the Earth.  “You’re lunar dominant,” I blurted out not even really sure I knew what that meant.  Tears welled up in Gabe’s eyes.  “That makes so much sense,” he marveled.  “Other intuitives have told me I have a strong connection with the moon.”

In Taosit tradition, it is said masculine sexuality is like fire – quick to ignite and quick to extinguish where feminine sexuality is like water – taking a long time to rise to a boil but sustainable and rolling when tended long and well.  On the most basic level, Gabe’s sexuality was core water and feminine and like waters of the world, it was governed by the moon.  Because there are many preconceived ideas of masculine and feminine and this polarity I’ll take a moment to clarify that by feminine I do not mean woman in gender –terms, nor masculine to mean male based, but am rather referring to a quality and/or characteristic of energy.

Each of us has certain rhythms and cycles to our inner body, emotions, mind-sets.  Most commonly referenced, for women, our menstrual cycles frequently sync with the lunar cycles and to the cycles of other women.  Men, less commonly discussed, are also subject to influence of lunar cycles even though in our western world we commonly perceive the masculine to be solar dominant as we live by a solar dominant calendar and in a solar dominant society and thus solar dominant sexuality – always turned on.  But what does lunar dominant masculine sexuality look like?  For Gabe – it looks like nurturing presence, intimacy and connection of his soul body during sex.  With this piece of information, instead of blaming or judging himself as blocked or broken, Gabe is now seeing the unique beauty of his sexual desire within his soul.  He can now move forward celebrating his lunar dominant sexuality by being aware of what is going to turn him on and creating those situations and seeking a partner who is ready to connect on a sexual soul level.

Another piece Gabe and I examined in our time together was how Gabe was actually getting into relationship and meeting his partners. When I asked him how his relationships with women generally started, he told me that women were generally the ones to approach him and make the first move.. I inquired if he had felt attracted to or magnetized towards these women initially and he said no – while they were beautiful, he didn’t feel his soul calling to be with them.  I asked him if there were women he was attracted to on a soul level and if he had approached them or ever asked them out.  He said he did experience attractions to certain women but never acted on them.  Gabe and I discussed that each time he chose not to do that he was telling his soul and its sexual desire that it didn’t have to be honored or taken seriously.  This struck Gabe deeply.  I gave him the home assignment of listening for the connection and vibration of attraction towards a specific woman and to acting on that desire through engaging the woman in conversation.  In addition, Gabe also agreed to get an app for his phone that charts the moons phases so he could better understand his own cycles and how the moon physical body and soul body.

I was deeply moved by my session with Gabe and was humbled in contemplating this form of masculine sexuality and the depth and complexity of its sensitivity. Of course we desire deep connection with another to inspire our sexuality but Gabe’s sexuality has taken sacred sex to a whole other level.  In sacred sex, we seek the sacred through sex, in Gabe’s paradigm, we must be the sacred first to initiate sex.  Gabe’s soul has an inner bullshit meter for sacred sexuality and it comes out as a ruthless ref calling foul on any false play. “I’m not feeling it,” his soul will tell him.

Gabe’s ideal future partner will be one who is interested in the spiritual dimensions of sexuality and is on their own journey of self-inquiry.  In session work, I am often shown different cultural, religious and spiritual blueprints and pattering of sexuality that are on the planet, and I feel Gabe embodies a new form of masculine sexuality.  As the women I work with articulate wanting a deeper and more spiritual connection in sex, I wonder secretly if they have the patience for this new masculine that has sex only from soul connection. Women – are you ready for him?

For more information about Isis and her work visit www.sensualshaman.com