Karen writes… “vaginal intercourse makes me feel like I have to pee… Advice?”

A young female client of mine who is newly introducing vaginal intercourse in her life reached out recently with a question concerning pelvic discomfort she was experiencing. 
.Hi Isis,
I hope you are well. As I have been experimenting a bit more, I was wondering about one thing. When I have sex, I like everything but the penetration itself does not feel pleasurable. I mostly feel like I have to pee and would like it end rather sooner than later. Do I just need to get used to it a bit more or does this mean I am not aroused enough?
I hope you will be visiting the city sometime next year.
Blessings for the holiday season!
My Response:
How lovely to hear from you. First of all congrats on getting to know your body and also being really attuned and sensitive to her feelings and experiences. It sounds like you’re getting to know what your body likes and also what it doesn’t like. Your body will also keep changing as I’m sure your lovers will. It will go through its own seasons. The sensation in your vagina will change as well in different phases of your menstrual cycle. Sometimes the uterus will be lower other times higher which will effect the sensation in your vagina. Sometimes if will be full of blood and be heavier and press on other organs like the bladder. Women have pound for pound as much erectile tissue as men and things swell. They just swell on the inside. Sometimes you may retain fluid and other times you may feel quite dry. Also feeling like you have to pee during penetration also sounds like your G-Spot might be getting stimulated on the inside and you might be moving towards ejaculation and not urination. This is just a thought and something to explore you might want to watch the DVD Divine Nectar which is a beautiful rendition on female ejaculation.
Any pressure on the anterior wall of the vagina might feel like you have to pee so why not try an experiment. Empty your bladder before self-pleasuring and try inserting your fingers during your self-pleasuring ritual. In addition, toys like smooth crystal wands of rubber dildos can work as well. I would recommend becoming stimulated to an extent where your vagina actually communicates to you that she would like stimulation. Another option is to have your current partner give you a yoni massage where you can guide what you like and decide in the moment what you don’t. The likes and dislikes will change over time. You could also consider going to experience a sensual massage from a provider where you can speak about your concerns. If you would like some recommendations you can let me know. 
Wishing you all the best in your erotic adventures!

Sexual Identity Break-downs

ImageI took sometime this week to catch up with a woman who attended my Awakening the Sexual Shamanic Priestess Retreat.  Ami identified as a heterosexual woman, but after the retreat she found herself confused because she felt like she had met a twin flame, fellow soul mate who she was incredibly turned on by who happened to have a female body and self-identified as a lesbian.

Going to the retreat opened the door for my sexual priestess to walk in this world.  I feel like I am an adolescent who is just learning what it’s like to be in a woman’s body.  I actually self pleasure now on a regular basis. I am so sexually charged and just want to explore and express this but I am not sure how, the “opportunities” here are not worth it to me. That brings us to the current situation….. the girl.  Wow! There is so much attraction and desire and fantasy around this woman.  I have all of these mixed emotions going on.  It’s also this really exciting, adventurous, thrilling, sexually charged experience that I would love to explore but am terrified to do so. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with such a sexual being. She is someone who has had many partners and who is not afraid of physical contact. Me on the other hand am just figuring out my own body let alone how to bring someone else pleasure and I don’t kiss just anybody. It takes a lot just to do that.  My heart tells me I’m in love with her.   I do feel I might be bi-sexual which opens up Pandora’s box. This is all so new and scary and exciting.   I know this is not a matter of the head to figure anything out but rather the heart to explore and experience.  I think I am finally really in my body as a sexual being and I’m ready to see what that feels like with someone.  Your work is definitely a contributing factor. 

Dear Ami,

Thank you for writing.  It sounds like there’s some real attraction between you and the woman that you speak of.  This attraction has the potential to create a sexual identity rebirth as your old views of our sexuality collapse and a new framework emerges.

It also sounds like you might be bi-curious, or your curiosity might lead you into bi-sensual or bi-sexual realms.  Stoking the flames of a fiery attraction to someone of our own gender can raise your inner eye’s eyebrow if you’ve previously self-identified as only liking the opposite gender.

There are several layers of polarity around the masculine and feminine we can examine in our states of attraction – one is, what kind of body does the person have, then, does that body sexually prefer their own gender or the opposite, then, does their energy body hold core masculine energy or core feminine energy that prefers same core energy or opposite core energy.

An experience that has stretched my understanding of energy body attraction is a BDSM couple M’Lady & Marine who often presented workshops at Dark Odyssey – a national kink conference.  M’Lady was a domme, who was a woman who identified as a lesbian with core feminine energy.  Marine was a born a woman, identified as a woman with core masculine energy.  Marine’s core masculine energy was so strong, it trumped most of the masculine energy in the room from even male bodied, male-identified, core masculine male energy.  I myself recall having an incredible visceral emotional, physical and psychological turn-on just being in the same room with Marine.  I myself, self-identified at the time as bi-sensual enjoying sexual relationships with men and close physical and emotional intimacy with women, but I was sexually turned onto Marine because of the core masculine energy she held. Her body, while it was physical technically a woman’s body, looked like that of a well-trained Marine – sharp physical features, big hulking muscles and a strong internal core.  To add another layer, he was also the submissive in the relationship with M’Lady.  It was more than my sexual identity could metabolize at the time which increased my body and energy turn on because it was something I didn’t have an inner container for at the time. So to recap we have a female, lesbian, domme with core feminine energy who’s partner is a female lesbian submissive with core masculine energy.

Sometimes bi-sensuals are also called bi-romantics.  The same goes for pan-sensuals – they are romantically attracted to the person and that individual’s energy, though not necessarily on a sexual level, or their entry point of attraction is romantic and energetic and then that leads to sexual attraction.  Bi-sexuals find themselves sexually attracted to individuals of both sexes.  Same with Pan-sexuals which also includes sexual attraction to trans, cross-gender, intersexual, hermaphrodites and asexuals to name a few.

Over the course of our life, our sexuality and its self-expression can grow, change and evolve, much like our spirituality and our politics 😉  New information, new insights can recalibrate our entire being.  Sounds like your system said “I was a woman, attracted to men, but now there’s this woman I’m attracted to, what does that make me?”  Answer: More attractive!  If this is the only woman you’ve found yourself attracted to and you regularly find yourself attracted to male-bodied men with core masculine energy I invite you examine if the woman you are attracted to her because she has masculine energy.  Are you attracted to her physical body, or her energy body?  Is your sexuality becoming more fluid into a place where just attraction is present or is it important enough to you that that attraction has to relate to a specific set of genitals.

I am at this point in my sexuality something I call pan-sensual, for me this means being attracted to the energy of the person rather than a particular gender-body or body’s genitals.  This also for me includes sensual experiences with and in nature with the elements, the ocean, Source.  I have at other times identified as heterosexual and bi-sensual.  Nature is always changing and evolving and so are we and so is our sexuality.  When we get to a place of sexual identity break-down there is often a great deal of turn on in our bodies because there is extra charge around the situation.  If we are attracted to someone/something in a way we don’t understand or that steps out of our box, the ‘taboo’ can make it more attractive, hence the Pandora’s Box reference in your email.  Bottom line – Enjoy the evolution!